it's a new season

This will be one of those serious-y posts and probably long too, so if you're not into that, I'd skip this one. At first I wasn't going to talk about it, but that was just my being scared of what people would think. ......and then I realized it doesn't matter.

I don't usually make resolutions, mainly because I never stick to them. Like not even for a day. Come to think of it, I can't really think of one resolution that I ever followed through with. Maybe I'd forget, or probably because I thought it was going to be too tough. I used to be kind of a nancy when it came to any sort of commitment...I'm trying to be better now (thanks to Jesus mainly, and marriage). To understand this year, you'll have to understand last year. So it might be kind of a long story, you see.

Last November, Shane and I got married. Our dating relationship and engagement were a combined 6 months. So needless to say it was quick. And for a girl that was pretty afraid of the sacred M-word, there was barely a second to catch my breath. Before I knew it we were married, leaving my family, friends, everything I ever knew, and moving to Del Rio...all in one weekend. It was a lot. And it got worse once we got there. Del Rio was like hell on earth in my opinion. The city was 99% spanish speaking--including the churches and grocery stores. With a few english speakers thrown in there randomly. Shane was working 12 hour days, and I missed the initial boat on the spouse get togethers, so after that I was too scared and honestly too sad to get out and know people. ...And the enemy had me right where he wanted me...in isolation.  As you can guess, it just got worse from there. I was like crying everyday and all that crap. Not like me. So I decided to go to the doctor on base and he told me that a lot of military wives go through depression. Despite my hesitation, I got on the 'ol medication. To spare you the details and making this blog post a book, we'll just say it was the toughest year of my life. Shane thought I hated him...and understandably so. I was not thinking outside of myself and my situation. Selfish. But too in my head to get out on my own. That's when you realize you need God, you know? C.S. Lewis writes in The Screwtape Letters, and it is a testimony to where I was. It's a book from the enemy's perspective, and is a series of letters from a devil named Screwtape to his nephew, Wormwood, about how to woo a Christian away from God (Make sure to keep that in mind as you are reading the quotes, especially if you’re wondering why God is referred to as “The Enemy.”) 

"...The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it...You must have often wondered why the Enemy (God) does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-- to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtual as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

I did not stand on my own legs...and because I could not stand I needed to fall on my face. 

At the tail end of Del Rio I found myself on my face, begging for freedom and change in our marriage, and in my life. When we got news that Shane got helicopters, it was an act of the Lord's kindess indeed. We had both been praying for freedom and some sort of community, and I felt that leaving Del Rio was our answer. When we got here we were really intentional about finding community...I mean good, Jesus loving community to be around. And not to mention involving myself with the helo wives. It's such a small community so I knew we'd be seeing these people over and over again for the next ten years. Which excited me...to know people. To have girlfriends. Husbands are such a gift, but don't forget about your girlfriends. They are such. a. blessing. Sometimes you just need some girl time...I mean, they have periods. We have a level of understanding of one another that guys don't get. (Am I allowed to say periods on here?) Since we've been here, things have gotten substantially better. I'm still on the depression medication, but I'm not crying every day. And I laugh and enjoy most days. (What a terrible sounding sentence. It's not as bad as it sounds now). I am happy, but I want to be joyful. Here is the point to my entire post: (well there's two)

1. I'm writing all of this not so you will feel sorry for me, or be sad for me, or any of that. Mainly because we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. So I'm hoping Jesus uses this post to speak to someone's heart.

2. This morning I was praying for more freedom for our marriage and I felt like the Lord gave me this scripture, and a meaning for it specifically in my life. It's Ezekiel 36:26-36.

^{26 "}And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.^[a] 28 You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. ²⁹ And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. ³⁰ I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations... 

³³ “Thus says the Lord God: On the day that I cleanse you from all your iniquities, I will cause the cities to be inhabited, and the waste places shall be rebuilt. ³⁴ And the land that was desolate shall be tilled, instead of being the desolation that it was in the sight of all who passed by. ³⁵ And they will say, ‘This land that was desolate has become like the garden of Eden, and the waste and desolate and ruined cities are now fortified and inhabited.’³⁶ Then the nations that are left all around you shall know that I am the Lord; I have rebuilt the ruined places andreplanted that which was desolate. I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it."

This might be a bunch of jibberish to you, but to me, to my heart, its a promise from the sweet Father who cares. I am believing, and praying that this is the end of my depression. Relying on medication for gladness. But believing that Holy Spirit is going to give me in abundance-joy and gladness...this land that was desolate has become like the garden of Eden..." Yes, Lord. 

So my new year's resolution is ushering in a new season...what an exciting year ahead!